Let’s get this out of the way first: if you’re reading this, you’re already a thoughtful parent. You care. You want to connect. And honestly, that’s half the battle won.
But here’s the thing loving your child and making them feel loved are not always the same. Sometimes, in the messy rhythm of parenting, we get so wrapped up in trying to raise kind, successful, emotionally intelligent little humans that we miss something big: connection.
Let’s unpack 7 things many well-meaning parents unknowingly do that drive a wedge between them and their children. And no, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being aware.
1. Controlling Everything, All the Time
You know that tightrope walk between structure and control? Most of us start with the best intentions—setting boundaries, guiding them, keeping them safe. But somewhere along the way, it turns into micromanagement. And kids? They feel it.
“Wear this. Don’t eat that. Say thank you. Don’t jump. Sit straight. Do it this way.”
Suddenly, their day is just a checklist of “shoulds.” The more we tighten our grip, the more they pull away, not because they’re disrespectful, but because they’re craving autonomy.
They need room to try, to fail, to grow. Even if it means mismatched socks or a spilled cup of juice.
Quick Shift:
Instead of saying, “You have to wear this,” try “Would you like the red shirt or the blue one today?” You’re still guiding, but letting them choose within safe limits.
2. Always Being “Busy” and Distracted
Let’s be honest—life is loud. Phones buzz, emails ping, deadlines scream. But while we juggle the chaos, little voices whisper, “Mom? Dad? Look at this!”
And too often, we respond with distracted “mmhmms” while scrolling or muttering “not now, honey.” But to them? That “not now” feels like “you don’t matter.”
Kids don’t need hours of undivided attention. Just ten focused minutes where you’re truly present no phone, no laundry, no glancing at the clock can work magic.
Try This:
Set a “connection ritual” a five-minute cuddle after school, a walk after dinner, or letting them help stir the eggs on Sunday morning. These micro-moments build trust that lasts decades.
3. Shaming or Mocking Their Feelings
Ever heard (or said) something like:
- “You’re being dramatic.”
- “Stop crying, that’s nothing to be upset about.”
- “You’re such a crybaby!”
We’ve all been there. Sometimes frustration bubbles over, and those phrases just slip out. But here’s the catch kids don’t have adult-sized emotional filters yet. Their big feelings are real to them, even if they seem minor to us.
When we mock or dismiss those feelings, they don’t feel seen. They start to internalize that their emotions are “too much” or “bad.” And guess what? They stop coming to us with their problems.
A Better Approach:
Instead of “That’s nothing to cry about,” try “It looks like you’re really upset. Want to tell me what happened?” Validate, don’t solve. Hold space, don’t fix.
4. Punishing Instead of Teaching
Punishments like timeouts, yelling, or taking away toys may stop the behavior short-term but they rarely teach why something was wrong.
Worse? They can breed resentment and fear instead of understanding. Over time, kids start hiding their mistakes instead of learning from them.
What they really need is guidance a calm conversation, a natural consequence, a gentle nudge toward empathy.
Gentle Teaching Tip:
If your child hits their sibling, don’t jump straight to punishment. Try: “I can see you’re angry. But hitting hurts. What else could you do when you feel mad?” Then brainstorm together. Model what problem-solving looks like.
5. Projecting Our Fears and Expectations Onto Them
Ever caught yourself saying things like:
- “You better do well, or you’ll end up like your uncle.”
- “I just want you to be the best.”
- “I worked hard so you could succeed. Don’t mess this up.”
Yikes. It stings to even write that.
But here’s the subtle truth, our unresolved fears often sneak into our parenting. Maybe you were once the kid who felt unseen, unheard, or not good enough. And now you’re trying to shield your child from the same. Noble? Yes. But sometimes, it turns into pressure they can’t carry.
They start to feel like love is conditional. Tied to grades. Behavior. Achievement.
Let’s not pass down our emotional inheritance as invisible expectations.
Gentle Reframe:
Instead of “I expect you to be the best,” try “I love watching you try. Your effort means more than your results.”
6. Not Apologizing When We’re Wrong
This one stings.
Because yes, we mess up. We yell. We overreact. We forget to show up for the school play. And when we do, our instinct is to either justify it or pretend it didn’t happen.
But children are watching. And when we don’t own up, they learn that power equals immunity that it’s okay not to apologize when you’re the “big one.”
Apologizing isn’t weakness. It’s modeling humility, accountability, and emotional honesty.
Simple Fix:
“I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t okay. I’ll do better.” No excuses. Just sincerity.
That sentence might be the most powerful parenting tool you ever use.
7. Treating Them Like a Reflection Instead of a Relationship
We all want to raise “good” kids polite, brilliant, talented, charming. Sometimes, without realizing it, we start treating our children like an extension of our identity.
We obsess over how they act in public, how they look, what they achieve because deep down, we think it says something about us.
But children aren’t trophies. They’re not our second chance at life. They’re not mini-mes. They’re their own people.
And when we treat the relationship like a performance, they start to hide who they are to protect our pride.
Check Yourself:
Are you celebrating their weird, wonderful selves? Or quietly nudging them toward who you wish they’d be?
Let them be messy, creative, offbeat. Let them be them. That’s how trust blooms.
The Real Secret? It’s Never Too Late
Here’s what I need you to know: if any of this made you squirm, you’re not failing. You’re learning. You’re present. That matters more than perfection.
Children are resilient. Apologies mend bridges. Honest conversations heal old hurts.
So, if you’re sitting there wondering, “Have I done any of this?” The answer is probably yes. Most of us have. And we’re still growing, together.
Connection isn’t built on flawlessness. It’s built on grace, presence, and the courage to change when we need to.
Final Thoughts (From One Parent to Another)
Parenting isn’t a formula. It’s messy, beautiful, chaotic, and humbling. But when we start seeing our children as partners not projects we begin to parent with empathy instead of ego.
You don’t need to fix everything. Just see your child. Hear them. Laugh with them. Let them mess up safely. Say “I love you” more than “be careful.”
Because in the end, what draws children closer isn’t control, perfection, or rules, it’s connection. Real, raw, wobbly-but-warm connection.
And you, my friend, already have what it takes.
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